Joaby has emerged from the long grass, snake scales stuck between his teeth, to give us his final word on a game that has likely strained his marriage more than any ominous late night phone call and immediate hangup ever could. So what's his verdict?

Here's a bite:

Allow me to begin the obligatory trick by saying that the story is bananas. It's more bananas than you could imagine. The opening is crazy long and not remotely indicative of the contents of the game, the cutscenes following are shorter but still complete lunacy. In essence, you play as Big Boss and your job is to build up a private army so grand that nobody can ever screw with you again. You and your friends Ocelot and Miller kidnap soldiers and convince them to join your cause, the whole time seeking revenge on the man who destroyed your last attempt to do exactly what you're currently doing. It's adolescent power fantasy at its grandest, a militant reaction to bullying so epic it involves torture, giant robots and a dog with the ability to parachute people away to an oil rig in the Indian Ocean.

Along the way there are invisible people, rock people, people who can rust vehicles, tanks, helicopters, more robots and more. You can, if you like, skip every single cutscene just to move on to the game itself -- and if you hate whacky stories about all of the above, you should do exactly that. Because if you avoid this game just because you can't invest in a mad man's story, you are doing yourself a huge disservice. Because the gameplay is beyond reproach.

Click here for Joaby's in-depth Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain review.