Three games in, Saints Row has found its stride. It is the anti-Grand Theft Auto. Volition has created a game that delights in mayhem, revels in trashy exploitation and aims to make you smile. And you will, so long as you don’t stop to think about anything. There’s a story here – paper thin; an excuse to ride tanks and beat people with purple dildo bats and hijack attack choppers. But you won’t care – or at least, you shouldn’t, given how much there is to do beyond the main storyline.

As the theme song to ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ kicks in, accompanying the Star Wars-style scrolling text introduction, the over-the-top scene is set. The titular Third Street Saints are now celebrities living the high life in Steelport – a brand new city divided into four precincts. When you’re at the top, however, you start to attract unwanted attention, and it’s here that you begin your ride toward total citywide domination and revenge against The Syndicate – a massive organization running three competing gangs within Steelport.



A lot has been improved since 2008’s Saints Row 2. Initially, you’ll appreciate the rich character customisation options – surely one of the most extensive to date in-game. Want a solid gold, metallic lead character with a giant wang? How about a stubby, fat woman with jet black skin and quadruple-F-sized breasts? Or a super-heroic dude with bikini tan lines and a dozen facial warts and moles? You can even opt to have all dialogue replaced by zombie-like groans and grunts.

Once you’ve created a cool (or hideous) character, it’s time to start fertilizing them with skills and abilities. The Respect and levelling system has been fully retooled and expanded to this end. Levelling up is still tied to Respect, earned through skilled kills (head and groin shots, for instance), impressive driving (speeding down the oncoming lane) and so on. However, after each level, you now earn ‘perks’ in the form of abilities you can purchase. If you want to focus in on making your character into an indestructible badass, you can do just that—if you have the dollars. Likewise, just about every other element in the game can be improved – from the weapons and costumes on your gang members, to the speed, strength and combat abilities of every single car in the game.

On that front, car handling and general physics have been tightened up; you can still powerslide into corners with a satisfying arc, earning Respect. One of the best new additions though is the quick-carjack manoeuvre, allowing you to dive feet first either through the front windshield or side passenger window and into the driver’s seat. It’s a refinement like this – silly and fun, but ultimately kinetic and adding to the slickness of the action – that points to the truly clever design work at play in Saints Row: The Third.



Missions feel meatier and more prone to spontaneous bouts of creativity and rampant chaos. You’re given access to seriously heavy artillery from very early on in the game, and it changes your approach to the action significantly. You’ve never had to scrounge for ammo in a Saints game, sure, but the enemy numbers are greater (and tend to respawn), so using remote-controlled, video-guided missiles to rain fiery death down on your enemy doesn’t seem excessive – it’s a valid and practical way of wiping out a dozen enemies at once. Given that a lot of missions also prod you to simply rack up as much damage as you can, you can picture the grins on gamers’ faces worldwide.

One of Saints Row’s strongest elements has always been its cooperative play. This arguably remains the best way to play the game. It’s still a blast to buddy up with a few friends and go on a kill-happy rampage in a hotted up SUV, or inventing your own games on-the-fly. The city’s design caters well to street racing, king of the hill-style games and more.

Variety is a big sales point here. Between the core missions and the dozen or so different side quest activity types, there are new additions that add a lot more fun to the mix. In addition to being able to buy buildings and businesses in order to provide you with hourly income, there’s a Tron-style light cycle minigame and a deadly Japanese TV game show to try your hand at – plus a raft of others to be uncovered. The ‘Whored’ (Horde) Mode is where it’s really at, however.

In Whored Mode, you face round after round of themed fights – be it a flame thrower versus dozens of tiny men dressed as hotdogs, or a 50 foot hooker who needs taking out with grenades. Each round presents its own unique challenges and opportunities for quick thinking. The only weak links are the zombie rounds, where getting swarmed feels far too final – and there’s very little chance to break away from the pack.



Production values are a mixed bag. On one hand, the soundtrack and voice acting are outstanding – and the cameos will make you grin. Then there are small touches, like the S&M club owner with an autotune microphone voice. It might not sound like much, but it’s inventive and hilarious.

Each radio station is loaded with great tunes and some hilarious ads and commentary, and the inclusion of an Adult Swim-dedicated station was a wise partnership. There’s a lot of dubstep in the actual game score, which may or may not be a good thing. We’re still on the fence about that one.

It’s not a pretty game, though. It’s garish. Intentional or not, the engine does not handle textures well – everything is flat and surprisingly low-resolution at times. There’s a lot of pop-in on the 360 version too, particularly when travelling at high speeds. On the other hand, facial animations and character movement is a lot better. The most impressive effects are certainly reserved for the occasional epic cut-scene between missions – and Volition has come a long way in terms of cinematic storytelling.

Loading is also an issue. This game loves to pause all the time to load new scenery, transitions between cut-scenes, areas, missions and more. It feels like there’s just a heck of a lot of loading going on.

Does it really matter, though? Saints Row: The Third is just a hell of a lot of stupid fun. The first time you throw yourself in front of a bus during an insurance fraud mission and watch your hapless body fly fifty feet through the air, you’ll stop caring about the realism and just lose yourself in the joy of it all.

Saints Row: The Third is The Jersey Shore of videogames: fake, stupid, garish and endlessly amusing in a terrible and compulsive way. You’ll hate yourself for loving it, but it won’t stop you from coming back for more. Throw it on at a party and watch people tear themselves apart in laughter. The hallmark of a big, dumb fun game.