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Joke
HERMITech
Brisbane, Queensland
8049 posts
A Swiss man on holiday in Dublin and in need of directions.
Standing outside a pub, completely lost he notices two youths walking by so he stops them and asks, “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?”

The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him.
Trying a different tactic, “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?”

The two continue to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

Still absolutely no response from the two lads.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

The Dublin lads remain totally silent.

The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood.

One of the boys turns to the second and says, “Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!”
“Why?” says the other youth,

“Dat guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good!”
12:05pm 26/11/12 Permalink
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12:05pm 26/11/12 Permalink
arkter
Gold Coast, Queensland
1052 posts
12:07pm 26/11/12 Permalink
dais
Brisbane, Queensland
10766 posts
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Harvey's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Harvey's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three arrive at the camping site only to find Harvey sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "S***, Harvey, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am. You guys want a beer?"

last edited by dais at 12:14:00 26/Nov/12
12:11pm 26/11/12 Permalink
dais
Brisbane, Queensland
10767 posts
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. By the way, you have a nice house."
12:20pm 26/11/12 Permalink
thermite
Brisbane, Queensland
10513 posts
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
12:28pm 26/11/12 Permalink
Pinky
Melbourne, Victoria
13835 posts
12:30pm 26/11/12 Permalink
dais
Brisbane, Queensland
10768 posts
hahaha
12:35pm 26/11/12 Permalink
Reverend Evil
Wynnum, Queensland
21089 posts
haha thermite

Got a laff outta me
12:38pm 26/11/12 Permalink
FaceMan
Brisbane, Queensland
9586 posts
On A Cowboy's Tombstone...
here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah.
He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
-
-
-
-
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
12:43pm 26/11/12 Permalink
ravn0s
Brisbane, Queensland
16254 posts
joe's funeral will be held next friday
12:51pm 26/11/12 Permalink
DK
Brisbane, Queensland
774 posts
01:40pm 26/11/12 Permalink
HERMITech
Brisbane, Queensland
8050 posts
A fleeing Taliban desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water he hurried toward the oasis only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5"

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said,

"Your f*****g brother won't let me in without a tie!"
02:08pm 26/11/12 Permalink
Insom
Canada
4137 posts
the jewish man's funeral will be next week
02:11pm 26/11/12 Permalink
kos
Germany
2355 posts
A couple of the punchlines made me smile, but these posts made me actually lol:
joe's funeral will be held next friday
the jewish man's funeral will be next week
09:44pm 26/11/12 Permalink
Ivonin
Brisbane, Queensland
1130 posts
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.


Just found out my old man might be on his way to kicking the bucket about 15 minutes ago, yet this still made me laugh. Well done Thermite.
06:25pm 03/12/12 Permalink
Midda
Brisbane, Queensland
8084 posts
Misleading thread title.
06:29pm 03/12/12 Permalink
Whoop
Brisbane, Queensland
20969 posts
if a blond and a brunette jumped off a building at the same time, which one would hit the ground first?

The brunette, the blond would stop on the way to ask for directions.
06:35pm 03/12/12 Permalink
exo
Sydney, New South Wales
9038 posts
3 men were at a resturant with there wives

and 1 man sed, pass the honey honey
the 2nd man sed, pass the suger suger
and the 3rd man sed, pass the milk , you big fat cow


Hermione: I’ve got to be clear here, I really like you Harry,but…
Harry: I like your hairy butt too.


Q) why did’nt the man clime up the mountain

A) because there wasn’t a mountain


http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/
08:42pm 03/12/12 Permalink
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08:42pm 03/12/12 Permalink
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